filmdrunk

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

• Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
  “Kitty Galore?”  Really?  Didn’t “pussy” used to be an inoffensive way to say “cat?”  Anyway, it looks like a great movie to take your pussy kids to.

• Charlie St. Cloud
  It may be tracking just below 20% among top critics at Rotten Tomatoes and star Zac Efron as a sailing champion who plays baseball with his dead brother, but if you read my recreation of the plot using quotes from expository reviews and you aren’t at least a little bit curious, I don’t know what to tell you.  It sounds like the sailingest, most dead-brother-baseball film of the summer.  FAH GET YA SCHAWLASHIP TA STAN FUHD, CHAHLIE! THAT GOIL NEEDS YA HELP! LISTEN TO ME, CHAHLIE, I’M YA DEAD BROTHAH!

• Dinner for Schmucks
  The premise sounds terrible, it’s a remake, and the director has movies like Goldmember and Meet the Fockers on his resume (but also Meet the Parents and Recount).  But I don’t know how you go wrong with this solid a cast.  Steve Carell, Zach Galifianakis, Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, Paul Rudd, Ron Livingston, BRUCE F*CKING GREENWOOD; hell, I’d watch these guys re-enact one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s salsa recipes.

Finally, if you see one movie this weekend, make it this week’s FilmDrunk Frotcast, with our interview of Rob Huebel and review of Olivia Munn’s book. …Okay, so maybe it’s not a movie.  But riddle me this: can you watch a movie while riding a unicycle, or doing squat thrusts?  I thought not.  Advantage: Frotcast.

Erik over at Cinematical Tweefed the above video a few minutes ago, asking:

are studios now using little kids to market their R-rated movies virally? You be the judge – staged or real?

It’s a good question.  While this cute, foul-mouthed little dude who just saw “the f*ckin’ Expendables” reminds me of myself at that age, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that he looks like a slick, Hollywood take on Sexman.  Oh sure, guys, a fresh-faced non-Canadian who looks like he bathes and shampoos, with straight teeth and an un-scratchy, un-nasal voice, makes a YouTube video about how much he likes a movie with all the awkward pauses and obvious screen-reading edited out?  F*ck you, Hollywood.  We want reality, with all its tooth gaps and Mexican mustaches and awkward, early stages of puberty.  You think you’re going to sell us some cheap Sexman knockoff?  Not a chance, man.  Not after we’ve seen the real thing.  What’s next, Sandra Bullock teaches a poor black kid to play football?

As if I didn’t already have enough reason to hope Jerry Bruckheimer goes missing in some sort of mysterious, CGI-related accident, it now sounds as if Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (“The One No One Wanted”) may delay the release of The Rum Diary.  We know Rum Diary is at least mostly finished and just waiting around for a release.  There’s been no word on when we might see it, but FilmSchoolRejects recently spoke to Aaron Eckhardt, whose glorious chin plays Sanderson in the movie, and he said this:

“I don’t know. I heard next year that’s [when] it’s going to come out. Johnny is making Pirates of the Caribbean and I think that he’s too busy to promote something right now. He’s working in Hawaii. I think they’re going to wait to put it out next year.”

Keep in mind this is hearsay from an actor, who’d be far from the first to know, but it’s not like I needed more reasons to hate Pirates of the Caribbean.  Although if what he says is true, it’s nice to know that Warner Independent Pictures and Co are at least planning to promote the film instead of just chucking it into a couple Landmark theaters to please the fixies and scarves crowd and calling it a day.  So maybe I shouldn’t be mad.  But I AM! I WANNA SEE THE MOVIE NOW!  (*stamps feet, pouts*)  DON’T YOU MAKE ME HOLD MY BREATH, I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.  (*coughs up Cheeto crumbs, puffs inhaler*)

Hold on, I think the banner pic actually looks better with a chicken.

Friday Free for All is the time of the week I reserve for all the things I really wanted to post that might not be strictly movie-related.  So please, do not ask me “Dude, how is this movie related?” Or I will punch you. Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, but only if they don’t suck.

If you don’t know who Bangs is, you need to drop everything right now (EVEN IF YOU ARE HOLDING A BABY) and watch this video .  In a subculture that’s often accused of misogyny, criminality, homophobia, and unchecked materialism, Sudanese-born rapper Bangs is an oasis of politeness and wanting to buy you popcorn.

Bangs recently parlayed his level of awesome internet fame into a Honda commercial in his adopted homeland of Australia (he’s lived in Melbourne since 2004) — hence the multi-colored Monopoly money and steering wheel on the right side.  The theme of the commercial (”How much rap can you fit into a Jazz?”) also exemplifies the charming, characteristic Australian awkwardness with black culture.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense (chicks and gold chains equals… rap?).  But the central conceit of the plot is forgiven when we get to hear Bangs sing a rap song about the Honda Jazz.  It’s hard to choose, but I think my favorite line was:

“10 cups holders in this car
so your drink be by your side
never far.”

If you don’t like Bangs, you have no soul.

[via Bossip]

In between me kicking their asses at poker (HIYO!), the guys at Screenrant apparently had a chance to talk to the guys in charge of visual effects for 20th Century Fox’s upcoming Fantastic Four reboot, Fantastic Four Reborn.  (Alternate title: Just F*cking Let It Go, Fox, Seriously).  Word around the campfire is that the Thing, last played by Michael Chiklis in a big plastic suit, will be 100% CG this time around, a la the Hulk.

One of the major complaints about the 2nd Thing suit was the size ( I say 2nd because Roger Corman made the 1st suit in the 90s); Thing is supposed to be a big, hulking, rock monster type creature who is able to lift hundreds, if not thousands, of tons and dwarf everyone on his team in size. This just can’t be pulled off in a practical suit.  It would seem that the suits in charge of 20th Century Fox have heard the fans’ complaints because I have it from a source inside the Fox SFX department working on the Fantastic Four Reboot that The Thing will officially be 100% CG.

If you’re wondering why you haven’t heard much about this project, it’s because we won’t be seeing it for a while (if at all).

My source noted that work on Fantastic Four Reborn has been put on the back burner until X-Men: First Class is in the can and shooting for that film doesn’t begin until September. [Screenrant]

I guess it’s good that The Thing will be 100% CG this time around, but honestly, you could make him out of nothing but cheesesteaks and blowjobs for all I care, it’s still not getting me to sit through another one of these godawful queef balloons.

"WHY SHE CANNOT MAKE ZEESS TAPE SEEX YEARS AGO?"

If any of you young girls out there are taking notes, Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter Montana has found a fool-proof way to break into Hollywood (besides having a famous father, of course): doing porn.  You have to admit, “Montana Fishburne” does sound like a porn name.  Possibly a porn title.

TMZ has learned Montana Fishburne is starring in a porno flick for Vivid Entertainment — explaining, “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”
Unlike the celeb she admires — Montana is not arguing that her tape was stolen or obtained illegally.
We’re told the flick is set to be released in August.

TMZ also says the film will be “hardcore”, which, if they’ve been using their porn-term style guide properly, implies that we’ll actually see “dongs going in” and not just some Playboy video.  Now, far be it from me to discourage any young girl from doing porn (especially someone still in their teens, “barely legal” I believe is the term), but I think she’s got this all wrong.  See, if you’re the daughter of a famous person, it’s not carefully calculated career moves that are going to make you famous, it’s acting like a spoiled, stupid whore.  Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are famous because they have sex tapes, but if it had seemed like they planned those sex tapes (which they did, but I’m talking about the public perception here), it might take away from the “vacuous moron” aspects of their character that people seem to enjoy so much.  No one wants to buy perfume and leggings from a goal-oriented girl who refuses to be embarrassed about her sexuality.  We want to buy it from a rich idiot who’s always flashing her vagina on accident because she’s so stupid, and thus, lovable.   So quick, go on TV, say this was all the tabloids trying to make up stories about you. Cry, and say “like” a lot. Then in a week “accidentally” leak the tape to RadarOnline.  You’re welcome.

Erinn Hayes, Rob Huebel, and Nick Kroll at the Children's Hospital Comic-Con panel. (Original picture has been slightly altered)

Greetings, Drunkards.  I don’t like to toot my own wiener, but I think this might be our best Frotcast to date.  If you’ve never listened to one before, now might be a good time to bust your cherry.  So, after a hilarious Children’s Hospital panel at Comic-Con (great show, incidentally), I scored an interview with Rob Huebel (Children’s Hospital, The Other Guys, Human Giant, guest spots on The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc. etc.).  Incredibly, I did so using almost NO BLACKMAIL.  We went on to discuss:

• The Children’s Hospital “outtakes reel” which turned out to be five minutes or so of graphic footage from actual surgeries
• Which comedian does the most drugs
• What Malin Akerman’s hair smells like
• Whether an anime fleshlight can accurately mimic the feel of a cartoon’s vagina.

You might notice that I let Rob Huebel have all of the funny lines.  That’s because I am A PROFESSIONAL.  I sucked it up and played the straight man role so as not to harm his FRAGILE ACTOR’S EGO.  [interview begins at 1:30 and goes until the 29-minute mark.]

After that, I regaled Ben and Brendan with stories of Comic-Con, and at around the 56-minute mark, we discuss the majesty that is Olivia Munn’s book.  SPOILER ALERT: She really does think nerds are sexy, you guys.

• Listen:

• Download

• Subscribe

Trailer for the latest season of Children’s Hospital:

(It’s a gun, it’s a barbecue, it’s an ATV… I think I just shot truck nutz out my d*ck.  Miracles everywhere up in this bitch. {Val Kilmer added for scale})  [via PhazerBlast]

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Meet David Dees, an insane conspiracy theorist who’s good at Photoshop. |Uproxx|

• Screw Ufford for posting Steve Carell on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis before I could get to it. |WarmingGlow|

• Sweet, a video game to teach young girls abstinence.  There are crazies trying to kill abortion doctors, where are the crazies trying to take out these people? |GammaSquad|

• Sex facts, and infographic. |TheSmokingJacket|

• I love this. “Guy at beach tries to wear shorts like a shirt.” |WithLeather|

• G4’s post Comic-Con edition of Feedback. |G4|

• Yahoo Answers answers your questions about meat curtains. |HolyTaco|

• My new favorite video. “They rapin’ errybody up in here.” |GorillaMask|

• Screenjunkies beats me to print with their Dinner for Schmucks review. |Screenjunkies|

• 10 movies you’d have to be a serious douchbag to hate. |Pajiba| (NEEEEEERRRDDDS!!!!!)

• A list of important famous people from New Jersey. |Buzzfeed|

• In honor of Children’s Hospital, the ten most invasive surgeries on Adult Swim. |AdultSwim|

• And finally, the most important story of the day, a bulldog and a tortoise eat Cheerios.  |Urlesque|

Unless you’re a war-starting Jew or a lazy wetback, you probably remember that back in January, I reported that Mel Gibson was working on a Viking movie with Departed screenwriter William Monaghan, with Leonardo DiCaprio attached to star, and a plan to shoot it entirely in the Old Norse language.  Of course, that was before the events of pack-of-n***ers-gate.  Today, RadarOnline claims a source close to DiCaprio as saying that Leo has dropped out of the project.  (Before you read it, keep in mind, Radar is the also outlet who broke the Gibson tapes, so it’s in their best interests to keep this story in the headlines as long as possible).

“Not a chance,” said a source, close to the Inception star, when asked if he was still planning to star in Gibson’s next project.
The decision is a major setback for the Oscar-winning actor/director, who is facing allegations of domestic abuse and child endangerment.  A source close to DiCaprio said the star, who is currently basking in the release of his wildly acclaimed box-office topping movie Inception, did not want to risk his reputation, with being associated with Mel.
“Leo has earned the right to pick and choose who he works with and Mel Gibson is not one of them,” the source added.

Not to defend the guy, but wouldn’t it be more fair to see if Gibson actually did actually hit his girlfriend before you drop out of the project?  It’s not like they’re shooting it tomorrow.  The actual abuse part seems a little fuzzy.  We know for sure that Mel can scream like a homeless Klansman, but a lot people in Hollywood say ridiculous things. Sherri Shepard said the world was flat and that retard has an Emmy.  If the story’s true, it sounds pretty straightforward that DiCaprio’s dropping out because he doesn’t want to give the appearance of associating with a guy people think is a woman beater, not that he’s afraid of associating with an actual abuser because he thinks it’s wrong.  It’s sad that you don’t even have to try to hide that nowadays, like everyone’s expected to think like a publicist.

Meanwhile, I enjoy Radar calling this a “major setback.”  Mel Gibson was caught on tape throwing around every offensive word in the English language. I’m pretty sure he has bigger problems than Leonardo DiCaprio not playing one of his Vikings.  It’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Solid actor, but which Viking was he going to play?  The scrawny one that smokes a lot and has nightmares about his dead wife?

If you’re new here, there’s this game we play, where we recreate the plot of crappy movies using only expository quotes from its reviews (NO ANALYSIS!).  As it turns out, the plots of bad movies are generally pretty hilarious on their own. Today’s movie is Charlie St. Cloud, starring Zac Efron.  I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that I’ve been waiting for this moment for three months.  THANK GOD, IT’S FINALLY HERE!  PILOT MY SAILBOAT, ZAC EFRON! PLAY BALL WIT YA DEAD BROTHAH!

As Charlie, Efron plays catch every day at sunset with his younger brother, Sam. The problem? Sam died in a car accident. (Rolling Stone)

We meet Charlie at his peak — King of the Quincy, Washington small-boat sailors, headed to Stanford on a sailing scholarship.  (OrlandoSentinel)

Yeah, Mom has to work two jobs to keep them going, but Charlie and his somewhat spoiled kid brother are lucky kids with bright futures. (OS)

Then, graduation night — “Kegger at the Point tonight!” — a car accident, and Sam is gone. (OS)

Charlie was at the wheel. It doesn’t take long to figure out that Charlie dies too — at least in spirit. (Entertainment Weekly)

But a devout Catholic paramedic (Ray Liotta) willed him back to life. (OS)

Charlie’s life derails. (ChicagoTribune)

Instead of heading off to Stanford to realize his dream of becoming a sailing champion, he stays home (EW)

…to become a hermit-like groundskeeper at the cemetery where Sam is buried.  (CT)

Strange things happen there. Charlie thinks he sees Sam behind a gravestone.  Then, one day, looking quite hale, Sam shows up with his baseball glove and ball in hand. A bargain is struck: Every day at sundown… (CT)

…he promises the now-dead brother that he’ll meet him “at evening cannons” (guns fired at the yacht club at sunset) to play catch and talk Red Sox baseball.  (OS)

The brothers will throw the ball around, talk about the things that matter, and work on their grounders. (CT)

Charlie’s days are consumed by chasing a flock of sh*t-happy ducks, his evenings devoted to playing catch with Sam. (Time Out New York)

Cut to five years later, everybody else has moved on. But Charlie couldn’t go to college. (OS)

He has given up his talent and passion for boats.  (NY Observer)

He works and lives at the cemetery, hangs with the morbid wacky Brit gravedigger, and can only gaze in envy as his former sailing rival preps for to be the youngest competitor in an “Around Alone” round-the-world sailboat race.  (OS)

But Charlie has special powers, and he communes with more than one spirit. (CT)

Locked in his own grief, Charlie is visited by the ghosts of dead school chums who lost their lives in the war; by the paramedic who pulled him from the wreck after he flatlined; and by the ghost of Sam, who joins him water sledding with garbage can lids on their feet.  (NYO)

Of course, nobody who looks like Zac Efron can retire from anything before he’s eventually discovered-by a talent scout with dollar signs in his eyes or a girl with raging hormones in her jeans. (NYO)

Wait, what?  Aw, god dammit, Rex Reed, you’re screwing up this whole bit.  Sorry, guys, disregard.

His onetime sailing competitor, Tess, starts gumming up the works, romantically speaking, Charlie confronts a host of tough questions.  (CT)

Charlie shows her the depressing cottage where he lives with all of Sam’s possessions packed into moldy boxes, and his bed, where he gets a chance to try out the sheets and strip. (NYO)

Tess is interested, but she’s about to hit the high seas. Charlie is interested, but he can’t leave Quincy. (OS)

Charlie gets his chance to rejoin the living when Tess is lost at sea and he sets out to prove she’s still alive.  (NYO)

At a key juncture, Charlie and Tess get together in the cemetery for something nobody ever does in the “Twilight” series, and then we learn it’s not happening, at least not the way we think it is, because she has suffered a horrible sailing accident. And needs rescuing. By someone preferably shirtless. And someone ready to let go of his grief, which means letting go of the metaphor for that grief, the kid with the glove.  (CT)

YA GAWTAH LET GO A YA DEAD BROTHA, CHAAHLIE, GO SAWX!  Oh man.  That was better than sex (from what I remember).  What is it with sappy movies and odd scholarships, anyway?  (See also: Miley Cyrus’ full-piano ride at Juilliard).   “I turned down a puppetry scholarship at RISD, damn you!”

I don’t know.  But this much is certain, Rex Reed reeeeally likes Zac Efron:

The camera practically makes love to him, moving in for angles and emotions to make audiences swoon. Zac looking up. Zac looking down. Zac in profile. Zac with tears clouding his perfect blue eyes. Zac looking pensive. Zac looking misty-eyed. This is a crime, because there is serious evidence that he adds up to more than eye candy.

[via RollingStone, OrlandoSentinel, ChicagoTribune, New York Observer, Time Out New York]

We’ve known Sony was planning a Total Recall remake since last year, but you probably forgot about it instantly, hoping it was all a bad joke.  (When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and we can discuss where the bad idea touched you).  Today’s news is that Sony has announced they’ve found a director for the project, Len Wiseman, who’ll be working off a script by Kurt Wimmer, who recently wrote Law Abiding Citizen and Salt, but whose true claim to fame is having invented “gun kata.”

START THE REACTOR, COMING SOON!

Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard, “Underworld” films) is in final negotiations to direct Columbia Pictures’ Total Recall, it was announced today by Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, presidents of Columbia Pictures. The film will be a new, contemporized adaptation of Total Recall, which was based on the story, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Kurt Wimmer is writing the screenplay. Neal H. Moritz will produce through his Original Film banner.

Haha, “original films.”  Good one, guy who produced The Bounty Hunter.  Anyway, I saw the Wiseman-directed Live Free or Die Hard, and aside from the scene where Bruce Willis outruns a jet in a semi truck, which was one of the more pointless and idiotic things I’ve seen, it actually wasn’t that bad.  But unless it’s the Coen Brothers, Paul Thomas Anderson, Tarantino, Herzog, etc, I have to vote the Total Recall remake idea a big (*dismissive wank*).   So… the plan is to “contemporize” a movie from 1990 that takes place in the future?  I’m not sure what the hell that means, but I can tell you there’s at least a 50-50 shot Quade will be Channing Tatum.  Incidentally, Cam Gigandet would make a good Quato.

Yo, girl.  Ya boy C-Tatez got some Philip K. Dick you can play around wit, nah mean?

(Aw, give Keanu a turn.  You guys are mean.)

Ever since Guillermo Del Toro announced that he wouldn’t be directing The Hobbit and he left that sheep-smelling, mongoloid colony of New Zealand, there’d been rampant (RAMPANT) speculation as to what his next project would be.  Now Deadline says he’ll be directing an adaptation of the HP Lovecraft novel At the Mountains of Madness, which will be shot in 3D (not post-converted) and produced by James Cameron. Last time I let Del Toro on my lovecraft, he broke the seat. Wakka wakka (*football to the groin*) (*bike horn*)

In the Lovecraft tale, a gruesome discovery made during a scientific expedition to the South Pole in the 1930s  hints at the true origin of mankind having come from elder gods from another planet. Bad things happen when those life forms are awakened.

It goes into pre-production in a few weeks and is scheduled to begin shooting next year.  I haven’t read the book, but ThePlaylist mentions an “underlying anti-semitism”, which led me to a choice Lovecraft quote:

The mass of contemporary Jews are hopeless as far as America is concerned. They are the product of alien blood, & inherit alien ideals, impulses, & emotions which forever preclude the possibility of wholesale assimilation… On our side there is a shuddering physical repugnance to most Semitic types…so that wherever the Wandering Jew wanders, he will have to content himself with his own society till he disappears or is killed off in some sudden outburst of mad physical loathing on our part. I’ve easily felt able to slaughter a score or two when jammed in a N.Y. subway train.

He wrote that in 1926, and the amazing thing is how true it holds even today.   Wait, what?  (Incidentally, Lovecraft also owned a cat named “Ni**er Man”).  Said Mel Gibson, “WAIT A MINUTE, SUGARTITS, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THESE ARE JEW ALIENS? QUICK, I’LL GET THE BASEBALL BAT, YOU START BLOWING ME! IT’LL BE JUST LIKE THE SET OF SIGNS!   SOOWEE! SOOWEE!

Haha, I love you, easy jokes.

I’m trying out a new segment here on FilmDrunk, “Who trailer’d it better?”  I plan to use it whenever I want to combine two trailers into one post.  Today, we’ve got Yogi Bear and Titanic 2.

Yogi Bear
Dan Aykroyd does the introduction and he seems reeeally happy to be here.  In any case, we see that they’ve given Yogi the live-action CG mix treatment, a la Alvin & the Chipmunks and Furry Vengeance.  Aykroyd’s Yogi voice is a little different than the one you’re used to, sort of a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and an old Rabbi, though the CGI bear seems to have all Rodney’s mannerisms. Is it wrong that I was hoping he’d punch a girl?  Based on Nic Cage’s performance in Wicker Man, I’d just assumed that’s what bears do.  Anyway, it took them almost 40 seconds to get to a CGI animal, hip-hop dance scene, compared to 38 seconds for Beverly Hills Chihuahua and 22 for Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.  I am never, ever going to get back the 15 minutes I spent calculating that.

Titanic 2
With a title like that, it has to be good!  From the studio that brought you Transmorphers and Snakes on a Train!

100 years after the maiden voyage of the original, they’ve built another Unsinkable ship, the “SS Titanic 2.”  But then, wouldn’t you know it… actually, I’m just going to let the awesome dialog handle this plot point:

“It looks like history… is repeating itself.

Oh. My. God.  So let me get this straight, the boat SINKS?   I could’ve done without that spoiler in the trailer, you know.  Sell the sizzle not the steak, jerks.

So how say you, Drunkards?  Who trailer’d it better?

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are too many movies 3D these days?

[DreadCentral via The A/V Club]

UPDATE: I don’t know if this is official now, but I replaced the video with a trailer addict version that works.

UPDATE 2: I didn’t put my first update at the top of the page, so some of you may have missed it. Anyway, at least one of the embeds I’ve included below should work now.

Courtesy of this site, it looks like the Thor footage from Comic-Con has leaked early, like my uncle with the bad prostate.  It’s really late, but I’m posting it now because I don’t know how long it’ll be online before it gets pulled.  I actually have higher hopes for this one than Captain America.  It has a great cast — Anthony Hopkins, Idris Elba, Ray Stevenson — lots of badasses.  And while Cap director Joe Johnston inspires mainly shrugs and wanks, Kenneth Branagh seems at least worthy of cautious optimism.

Anyway, I’m really tired, so I don’t have a lot to say about this, but the whole scene where Clark Gregg is grilling Thor about where he got his training, (”Afghanistan? Chechnya?”) I keep wanting Chris Hemsworth to shout “WRONG! VIKING HEAVEN, BITCH!”  (*smash*)

[Thanks to Brian and Jason for the tips]

That’s right, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson has inspired yet another line of underwear.  The picture you see above is actually from a story about Twilight panties I did last year.  While the implication there is that Edward Cullen would want to drink your menstrual blood and control your gunt like spanks (the perfect man!), today’s product is aimed at us dudes, specifically the lumberjacks among us who want to look more like R-Pattz when we wear skinny jeans.  I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Finally!”

Marks and Spencer has announced that they are creating a men’s underwear line inspired by the sexy star.
Aptly called the R-Pant, the vampire-inspired slim-fit underwear collection of low-rise briefs and trunks is meant to be worn under skinny jeans like those sported by Katy Perry’s funny man Russell Brand and, of course, Pattinson himself.
And while the 24-year-old “Twilight” hottie will not be appearing in an ad campaign for the retailer (nor is he apparently endorsing the line), the Guardian reports that the actor has been spotted shopping for underwear at the store. [People]

Whoa, when you read that, did the voice in your head suddenly develop a lisp?   Weird.  Anyway, let me see if I have this straight: this store that Robert Pattinson shopped at once started selling underwear named after him, which Robert Pattinson neither wears nor endorses?  And it’s a Twilight product that they plan to market to men?  Now, I’m no lawyer (nor am I an underpants scientist), but this plan sounds both well thought out and fool proof to me.

(Food Co-Op dog thinks you’ve gone corporate.  via… SFGate? I think?)

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• The new Uproxx News rounds up the week in kitten stories. |Uproxx|

• The best of the Jersey Shore DVD commentary. |WarmingGlow|

• Golfer rewards his caddie for hole in one by buying him a– christ I can’t concentrate with that banner pic. |WithLeather|

• Mel Gibson is a great father, so maybe this whole scandal is just the Jew-controlled media trying to take him down.  Ever think of that, smart guy? |WWTDD|

• Someone spills Tekken in the Street Fighter and vice versa, Comic-Con crowd goes apesh*t. |GammaSquad|

• The eleven worst Draculas ever to appear on TV or in movies. The list starts out with Morgan Freeman, and… wait, Morgan Freeman? When did this happen? |Fark|

• Five ways you can go crazy from loneliness.  This article is perfect for the internet. |HolyTaco|

• A Diora Baird mega gallery.  Yes, please. |NextRound|

• The 7 most badass women in history.  Uh, see above? |Guyism|

• The best parodies the internet has to offer of Katy Perry’s California Girls. |Urlesque|

• The 100 most hottest womens from New Jersey. |BroBible|

• A guide to this fall’s shows about lawyers. |ScreenJunkies|

• Your guide to Jennifer Copeland and her boobs. |GorillaMask|

How the bible should've ended

MGM is broke like your sister right now, so it doesn’t come as a shock to anyone to hear that one of their projects isn’t happening anymore.  Still, fearing the worst and actually hearing it confirmed are two different things.  More to the point, Moviehole recently spoke with a source at MGM, who told him the Darren Aronofsky Robocop I’d been hoping for is even worse off than the delayed-indefinitely plan that The Hobbit and James Bond are on.  In fact, the project is vanished, dead, non-existent like Danny Masterson’s soul.

“Gone. Kaput. Canceled. It was one of the first casualties”, my Metro-Goldwyn Buddy said. “[Darren] has lost interest anyway, I believe. Think we’re all just going to have to be happy with the three RoboCop movies that are out there”.

Oh sure, Robocop 3, who could forget that one.  Starring… (*checks IMDB*) Robert Burke, and, uh… Mako. Anyway, this is a remake that had the potential to be another Werner Herzog Bad Lieutenant, so this sucks.  I would watch that movie at least six more times.

Former NFL wide receiver Isaiah Mustafa, aka the Old Spice guy, is everywhere lately.  He’s been riding a pop-culture buzz that’s practically Betty Whitian, though far less obnoxious (”haha get it? It’s funny because she’s old.”  F*ck you.). Hollywood Reporter recently got the low down on some of Mustafa’s upcoming projects, and I thought I’d share.  As a wise man once said, “I ain’t allergic to page views, son.”

The long and short of it is, you’re probably going to see him everywhere for a while like Danny McBride or Ken Jeong.  How well he does in the bit parts will determine whether he sticks around.

• He plays a cop in Horrible Bosses, “because I play these authoritative characters well.”  He’ll co-star opposite Jennifer Aniston and Colin Farrell (who play the bosses), and Jason Bateman, and Charlie Day from It’s Always Sunny (who play the guys plotting to kill their bosses).  It’s set to be directed by Seth Gordon (hopefully the Seth Gordon who directed King of Kong and not the Seth Gordon who directed Four Christmases).  My favorite part is that Jamie Foxx is set to play a con artist named “Motherf*cker Jones.”  Yes, Brett Ratner is listed as a producer on the project, but I’m assuming that that just means he shows up a couple times a week to stand around craft services with his hands down his pants and leaves with his mouth covered in sugar cookie.

• He’ll have an unspecified role in Tyler Perry’s “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf,” based on a play that Perry himself describes as “a bunch of poems with no real story.”  I think I’d rather have my nuts torn apart by jaguars or go to one of those Grease sing-along theaters than see this movie, but if Michael Jai White can do Tyler Perry movies and get away with it, maybe the Old Spice guy can to.  Of course, keep in mind, Michael Jai White knows karate.

• He’s doing a guest spot on Chuck, which he says was his “first choice.”  I don’t know what Chuck is, but I always hear dorks whispering about it between inhaler puffs.

THR: You also landed a talent agreement last month with NBC. What does that mean, and what shows are you filming?
Mustafa: It means I’m exclusively working with NBC unless they approve other projects. I’m going to be filming an episode of “Chuck” next week. I don’t know how many episodes yet, but I do know I’m playing an official CIA guy (named Greta). The character is pretty goofy, so it’s going to be fun.

Haha, get it?  “Greta” is a girl’s name.  For white people.  Anyway, I wish him luck.  His commercials are great, and we need all the non-fruity Disney Channel asswipes we can get.  Perhaps most impressive, Morgan Freeman is playing him in a new meme:

[meme via GammaSquad]

I don’t plan to skip covering the news or turn this into my personal travel blog, but seeing as how I did attend my first Comic-Con this weekend, I figured some of you might want to know what that’s like.  If that’s not you, feel free to ignore this post.  I won’t be offended.  If you are curious, well HOLD ONTO YOUR MOTHERF*CKING HAT, MOTHERF*CKER!  Because here is semi-thoughtful review of sorts.

What Comic-Con Means to Me, by Carrot Top’s brother, the clown-faced lesbian

I went in expecting to hate it.

For one thing, I’m more of a comedy nerd than a comic book nerd, so I’m not even really the target audience.  I’m actually really creeped out by this new trend of everyone rushing to prove that they’re the nerdiest.  Of course, Comic-Con isn’t actually about comic books anymore (”Community” has nothing to do with them, for instance, not even if you squint), but what it has become isn’t exactly my flask of whiskey either.  Standing in f*cking lines, people constantly handing you pointless trinkets, huge crowds of smelly, slow-walking weirdos, bored promo models in tranny makeup, publicists, studio flacks, and marketing people galore; all pandering to that mostly imaginary demo of guys who are supposed to like absolutely anything to do with monsters, boobs, gadgets, videogames, comic books, cartoons or anything originally intended for children.  But probably my biggest reservation about Comic-Con was that it’s all taken on an air of the World’s Most Photographed Barn. We’re not sure why we’re standing in this line or where it goes.  We just suspect we want to be at the front of it and post the pictures on Twitter.

Being that I’ve already admitted that I’m not interested in what Comic-Con is supposed to be about, and yet I still went, I have to cop to being the perfect personification of all the shallow, venal things it’s become.  If I was to go, there was no choice but to accept that and say F*CK IT, I’M GOING TO TAKE THE WORLD’S MOST LOOKED-AT PICTURE OF THAT AWESOME F*CKING BARN.

So was it exactly as sh*tty as I expected, like The Last Airbender?

In some ways, yes.  I waited in line two and a half hours for a Tron panel and three and a half for a Thor/Captain America panel, only to get turned away 10 people from the cutoff both times.  And for what?  A fluff press conference and pictures and video I could see online in a day anyway?  Hastily put-together footage from a movie I could just wait to watch in its entirety?  It wouldn’t have been a worthless experience, I’m sure, especially not if you’re the type who likes to see how the sausage is made, but certainly not worth standing four hours in the sun for.  Robert Downey Jr. is cute and all, but he’s not that cute.

Overall though, once I’d accepted all those things I knew were going to suck, it was actually a memorable, enjoyable experience.  Actually, that’s not quite right.  It was an experience.

One of the biggest surprises was that things you imagine to be sad and pathetic (the grown-ups in costumes, the LARPing, the sweaty guys ogling) is actually kind of adorable and oddly charming.  For every 18-year-old kid I saw in a “FLYNN LIVES” t-shirt1, I saw at least three groups of kids like this:

Even if I had no idea what their costumes were or any interest in whatever anime circle-jerk panel they were attending, seeing how much they were enjoying it, I couldn’t help but smile. And no, it wasn’t charming only because they were teenage girls.  Case in point, you get the same feeling from this guy:

I might not necessarily want to take a long car ride with him, but there’s a genuineness about him that just comes through.  It’s like that double rainbow guy; he’s clearly batsh*t insane, high on drugs, or both, but just seeing a person enjoy himself that much is strangely endearing.  For someone like me who doesn’t really care about this stuff, aside from the standing in line, the getting your feet stepped on, the trying to get into a party you don’t care about that much anyway, Comic-Con is like watching one big, four-day long Double-Rainbow video.  It might be a train wreck, but it’s a train wreck that could use a hug.

Yes, there were lots of red-faced creepos with way too much photography equipment (like me) falling all over themselves to get zoom shots of anyone with more than three square inches of pale, dimply, exposed flesh.  But those costumes have an interesting effect.  I can’t tell you how many times I saw Jason Mewes or Rob Corddry or Eli Roth — people who I’d consider moderate celebrities — anonymously sipping Starbucks five feet from a random black dude dressed as Pluto Nash who’d attracted a cloud of 15 amateur photographers. Yeah yeah, we’re all narcissists who think we’re celebrities now because blogs and reality TV and blah blah blah, but it’s still fun to see the local overweight file clerk brimming with confidence and being treated like Lady Gaga just because she squeezed herself into cheesy Princess Leia costume.

And about those lines.  In the Thor line, I stood next to a guy who works in a maquiladora in Mexicali and runs an independent comic book press on the weekends.  He said he’s been coming to Comic-Con since ‘93.  I have nothing in common with this man, but we spent two hours talking about TV, movies, cartoons, etc, and it never felt like I was being forced to make boring chit chat just for the sake of it.  We could agree that Spider-Man 2 was kick ass and Spider-Man 3 and X3 were vile abortions, and that Adult Swim and Always Sunny are awesome.  So to all those snooty, oh-I-don’t-watch-TV a-holes I’ve met in academia: f*ck you. Do you see all the experiences of shared culture you’re missing out on because of your insecure need to distinguish yourself from the rest of society?  What’s that? You read another experimental novel from the Victorian era?  In the words of Christian Bale, OOOOOH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOUUUU.

I guess what I’m saying is that the value isn’t so much in all the useless crap being thrown at you, it’s the shared experience of dodging that useless crap and how it helps us relate to each other.  That’s mainly what I took away from it2.

That and a f*ckload of free t-shirts.

1. Short aside here: how the hell can anyone that age be into Tron? The original looks kind of sad and dated even to me, and as for the new one, it’s not out yet. You couldn’t have seen more than a teaser trailer for it before this weekend.

2. To answer the natural question, “Whooooa, what does it mean???”

Previous Comic-Con Coverage: Day 1 Photo Essay, David Hasselhoff’s Party Bus, Day 2 Photo Essay, Guy in a Harry Potter shirt stabbed a guy, Notes from the Scott Pilgrim vs. the World panel,  Notes from the Community panel, Final Photos Ése.

The trailer for Who Killed Captain Alex, described as “Uganda’s first action film”, has hit the web.  As you might imagine, the sh*t is bananas.  Or more accurately, CHICKEN MADNESS!   Hungry for some background on this project?  Let’s go to this charmingly mistranslated article from Uganda’s The Observer, as directed to us by Geekosystem:

“When we approached CPS [Uganda's Central Police Station] about the project, we were told that we [film industry] are not yet at that level. They could only provide us with police uniforms,” he says. “But we had asked them to provide us with helicopters, guns, tankers and access to army barracks. So we had to settle for the computer.”

It is understandably easy to acknowledge government’s safety and security concerns given that even trained personnel have had their own issues with guns. Moreover, production happened during the bloody September Buganda riots. Imagine the trouble Nabwama and company would be in, had they been issued with real guns!

Who killed Captain Alex stars Gpuffs, Kakule William, Kabanda and Richard Ssebunya – all new faces in the industry. Nabwama reasons that the established artists can’t act in action movies and have been “too around”.

Most scenes are shot from Natete mixed Academy, Wakaliga and Wakiso at a tune of about Shs 8 million [$3500]. Nabwama says a sequel is on the way and will feature ghetto president Bobi Wine.

Ghetto president Bobi Wine?  Awww sheeeeit, playa, you had us at “Gpuffs.”  From what I’ve seen so far, my favorite part is at the 27-second mark where helicopter crushes FOUR SKY SCRAPERS!  BY SITTING ON THEM!  That was so legit.  My early review?  I’m going to have to agree with the trailer announcer (who sounds suspiciously like Fred Figglehorn): AAAAAALALALA ACTION!  AAAAAALALALA ACTION!