It's no secret I can't stand MeBron's incessant back and forth over whether or not he is a nice guy, victim, or villain as he so aptly put in the douchiest Nike ad of all time (gloriously spoofed by South Park here). Mostly I had tried to block that from my mind like that one time Kirstie Alley seduced me at Fatburger, but with the latest NBA Cares commercial going around those visions came shooting back to his declaration that he is no role model. I'd call him a hypocrite but he's not even sure what he is. Either way I mashed them up, forgive me.
This isn't the Men's Wearhouse but I absolutely guarantee that this is the best tribute song and video you will ever see about a trio of Denver Broncos' wide receivers. Especially now that they are going to start using extra offensive linemen split wide with Tim Tebow at quarterback. Relax, it's just a sports joke God, we like to have fun here.
For those wondering the "Three Amigos" in question are Mark Jackson, Vance Johnson and Ricky Nattiel. The song is presumably by Andrew Lloyd Weber or someone equally talented as evidenced by the genius use of "touchdown banditos". [via Everything Is Terrible]
It should be noted that a Willie McCovey bobblehead is staring at me from my desk, so in no ways can I pretend to be impartial in regards to Showtime's upcoming series The Franchise: A Season With The San Francisco Giants. The good thing is I don't need to pretend when there are amazing clips like this one of Brian Wilson explaining his new battle cry "Got Heeeem". If it wasn't for my love of all thing Beach Boys, I'd want Wilson to legally change his name to "Papa's Feeling Pretty Delicious". Wait, maybe I should do that. Is that copyright infringement? Any lawyers out there feel free to chime in. The Showtime series premieres Wednesday, July 13th at 10PM.
I made this graph because I really hate the Miami Heat, David Stern and how the NBA is officiated. Also I was bored and felt like making a graph.
I'm not a scientist, and believe me this would all be a lot easier if I were just a thawed out caveman, but again, that is not a crutch I can rely on. Instead I'm simply a guy that has watched one (thousand) too many movies and killed one (million) too many brain cells. But this is America last I checked, and as far as I can tell the Roman Empire will crumble soon enough so I am here to layeth some trutheth downeth Gwyneth style.*
The current strife in the NFL's ongoing labor dispute seemed eerily familiar, so much so that I had to drunk dial YouTube a few times last night to make sure it was cool if I came over. Spoiler alert it was, and I did, and in my visit I found exactly what I was looking for. Now before I give away the goods like Suri Cruise to Jaden Smith in ten years, I should set the table. The breakdown is simple, or at least the simplified version I am presenting is, and believe it or not somewhat justified on both sides. Owners want to get richer as rich people tend to do and a good way to help that is to stop paying rookies a million dollars for every bench press they do at the combine. Players on the other hand want to have some security since they are putting their well being at risk and all, so guaranteed contracts would be a pretty nice change. But keep in mind the players would be playing right now, they aren't responsible for the lockout anymore than I was responsible for Target being closed when I showed up there Easter morning with a zombie like craving for Little Caesar's. Damn you diminutive Caesar and rising from the dead Jesus!
Anyhow this is actually a lot more complicated than my simplified look, but it gets you a good idea that there legitimately are valid reasons for both sides to stand pat. This is what happens in negotiations. Then court got involved. The players union decertified so individuals could sue on the grounds that they were being refused the opportunity to work, or something along those lines, again no frozen caveman lawyer here. That's why you see the lawsuit using the big names like Brady, Manning and Danza. Fast forward to yesterday when Judge Nelson ruled for the players lifting the lockout, which was met with an immediate appeal by the owners. Nothing major here really right? Just more court rulings in store, apparently the judicial system was partly designed for dealing with American sports. Then commissioner Roger Goodell put on his best David Stern impression and posted this nauseating op-ed piece for the Wall Street Journal. Seriously, how does Tiger's marketing team have so many clients?
- David Stern won't watch any games because he will be busy in the kitchen making his famous pooh tacos for Kings fans.
- Kobe Bryant will yell at his teammates after missing a shot.
- The Magic will beat the Bulls in round 2.
- The Thunder will beat the Miami SuperFriends to win the title.
- Russell Westbrook will be the Finals MVP.
- Tim Duncan will have one last great playoff series against the Grizzlies.
- Mike Dunleavy Jr will suck.
- The Knicks will pick and roll Shaq off the floor.
- Gerald Wallace will keep Dirk under his season average.
- DeShawn Stevenson will finally get the credit he deserves for having Abe Lincoln tattooed on his throat.
- Chris Paul will play his last 5 games for the Hornets.
- Jeff Van Gundy will be the best color man while negotiating with the Warriors to become their next head coach before and after games.
- I will watch every game and bring really a lot of twitter thunder while doing so.
This video is from last week but damn if it doesn't overflow with awesome, hence the delayed posting. The awesomely named and completely insane, in the best way possible, World Series champion Brian Wilson appeared on The George Lopez Show dressed as a boat captain. The whole thing comes off a bit more like one of Will Ferrell's amazing visits to Conan except for the fact that the person playing Conan is incredibly uncomfortable and has at the very least an army of militant frogs in his throat. That being said Wilson plays the part beautifully and frankly fills the bit with so many zingers that there's not even one that stands out I can reference here.
As a warning there is some Guy Fieri at the end as Lopez and Wilson do a Minute To Win It bit where they swing bananas between their legs. Yes it is as lame as it sounds.
Also how many guests does George Lopez have a night? 13?
Yesterday saw the NBA officially announce the starting lineups for this year's All-Star game complete with Yao Ming as the starting center. Considering the Yaoster may never play another NBA game, let alone this year, it's pretty clear that the voting process is absurd, highlighted by the fact that there are no Celtics in the starting lineup. For anyone that has followed the NBA this season it's blatantly obvious that the Minnesota Timberwolves' Kevin Love is a surefire All-Star, granted he still has to fight through the popularity contest which is why we have this awesome campaign above.
"The Numbers" come with an aftershave, an eau de toilette, and many other assorted goodies including some nice modeling poses. Love it. You can check out more of the extremely impressive resume over at the campaign's official site 612AllStar.
Traveling, bad jokes may have to wait.
Picks are bold, home team comes second. That's what she said.
- Chicago @ Buffalo +3
- San Diego @ Houston +3
- New Orleans -6/5 @ Carolina
- Arizona @ Minnesota -7.5
- Tampa Bay +10 @ Atlanta
- New York Jets -5.5 @ Detroit
- Miami @ Baltimore -5
- New England -4 @ Cleveland
- New York Giants @ Seatlle +7.5
- Kansas City PK @ Oakland
- Indianapolis +3 @ Philadelphia
- Dallas +7 @ Green Bay
- Pittsburgh -5 @ Cincinnati
Last week: 6-7