Sports

And we're not even being ironic!  The water cooler at SHA headquarters has been all abuzz lately about just how little awesome actually exists on the Sports page.  To that we say meet the newest Super Hella Awesome contributor Jesus Shuttleworth as he gives you the lowdown on what should happen at this week's NFL Draft.  Of course then you have to remember most teams are stupid so they will probably stray from the awesome that you see in front of you, but either way it is a nice cheat sheet for the festivities and now you'll be able to act like you know what you're talking about for once.

1. St. Louis - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma - After watching Marc Bulger these past years,  this is an easy pick. Look for them to grab a talented WR in round 2, such as Benn.
2. Detroit- Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska - Schwartz will be foaming at the mouth to get Suh here. The wildcard report is that Detroit loves Okung too. Don’t be surprised if they trade down. But I find it hard to pass up on a DT like Suh.
3. Tampa Bay- Gerald Mccoy DT Oklahoma - Tampa needs to get that defense nasty again, so they will look to the best next DT.
4. Washington- Trent Williams OT Oklahoma - While Okung is the number 1 ranked OT, Williams is a better fit in Washington with their Zone Blocking scheme, made famous by Mr. Shanahan. Reports is that they “love” Williams.
5. Kansas City- Eric Berry, S Tennessee - Tell me the last Safety to play for the Chiefs that was a pro bowler. If Okung falls here, they will take a long look, but the Chiefs need help on the defensive side of the ball, and that’s just what Berry brings to the table.
6. Seattle- Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma St. - Seattle has a golden tackle fall to them, and looks forward to their next pick at 14.
7. Cleveland- Earl Thomas, S, Texas - While they wish Berry would fall here, Thomas is still a stud. Cleveland also needs some secondary help, and with the addition of Shelden Brown, and now Thomas, They are definitely making an impact.
8. Oakland- Bryan Bualuga, OT, Iowa -Word is that the Raiders love Bualuga. But with the late reports of Raiders talking to Pittsburgh about Big Ben, look out...this pick could be traded. Otherwise, they will go OT here. But this is Al Davis...so expect the unexpected.
9. Buffalo- Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee  They lost Peters last year, so the Bills could look to the offensive line with this pick. But they also have a glaring need for the D-Line. Williams make sense here.  Look for them to trade up at the end of the 1st to “snag” Tebow.
10. Jacksonville- Derick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech- Jacksonville has looked to DE in free agency, but they just traded Groves, and need some pass rushing on the line.
11. Denver- Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State - If Denver doesn’t take Bryant here, I don’t know who Kyle Orton will throw to.
12. Miami - Jerry Hughes, DE/LB- TCU- Hughes has been climbing, as he had a great combine and workouts. Parcells hunts out pass rushers like he was born to do it, don't be shocked if Hughes is the pick here. Also, rumor that Dallas is trying to trade up here...wouldn't that be fitting.
13. San Francisco- Joe Haden, CB, Florida - This would be a homerun for the Niners. Haden is a stud corner, who played and shut down against great competition last year. Just recently voted by scouts as the top corner in the draft with a whopping 17/19 votes.
14. Seattle - CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson - Seattle rounds out a terrific first round here, with the top ranked RB in the draft. Spiller is a homerun threat, and gives the ’Hawks an explosive, quick runner.
15. NY Giants- Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama- Giants thrilled that they get the number 1 guy on their board, and didn't even need to move for him. McClain will bring some nastiness to the defense. 
16. Tennessee- Jason Paul- Pierre, DE, USF - When Fisher says he sees a little bit of “Javon Kearse” in JPP, I think that’s a sign. JPP is a Freak of Nature, and the sky is the limit. Concerns about him being a One Year show.
17. San Francisco- Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers - While every report says they don’t see Jimmy Clausen getting pass the Niners, I’m not buying it. The Niners round up a very solid first round, filling a glaring secondary need, and filling up the O-Line. Mr. Davis, meet Mr. Singletary.
18. Steelers- Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho - Iupati is known for his ridiculous mean streak…doesn’t that just sound like a Steeler?
19. Falcons- Brandon Graham, DE/LB, Michigan - Graham is a solid tweener, which would be a good pick here for Atlanta, with a defense that seems to be getting nastier each year. Wild Card but, they just had a massive amounts of scouts attending Demaryius Thomas workout, so look out for that.
20. Houston- Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers- , Reports came out that Houston LOVES McCourty and RB Ryan Matthews. They need to fill the hole left by Dunta Robinson(free agency) so they go after McCourty.
21. Bengals- Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma - The Bengals have been looking for a TE for years. Gresham finally fills that hole, as he is very talented and a great receiving threat.
22. Patriots- Sergio Kindle, LB, Texas - Patriots get a great talent in Kindle, and with drama in NE with Adalius Thomas, they get themselves insurance. Look at them to look at Jared Odrick too.
23. Packers- Charles Brown, OT, USC - Brown used to be a TE as USC, so the kid has a lot of athletic ability. Packers will jump on it.
24. Eagles- Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama - Jackson played for Nick Saban, and was all over the field. Andy Reid can’t pass up on that chance, and fills a hole left by the trade of Shelden Brown.
25. Ravens- Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech - Ravens have been looking for a big physical deep threat. Thomas could very well be the steal of the draft. He’s a big playmaker at 6’3 225, and stretches the field. Flacco will be begging for this pick.
26. Cardinals- Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri - Cardinals need some help across the middle, and no Joey Porter is not the long term answer. The team also lost Karlos Dansby to Free Agency, so they really need a LB.
27. Dallas- Taylor Mays, S, USC - I would imagine that Jones loves Mays, and this could be an absolute steal. Mays has been knocked for his cover skills and lack of INT’s during his career at USC, but says he wasn’t always looking to get them. We will see soon.
28. San Diego- Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno St. - Matthews is a stud, and would be a great pick here for SD. Would complement this offense extremely well.
29. New York Jets- Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State- What a shocker, Jets make another great pick. Odrick falls into their laps. 
30. Minnesota Vikings- Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State- The Vikings do a flip with Wilson falling this far to them. Wilson is the best possible scenario for them, as he can come in right away and start, which helps them with the injured Cedric Griffin. 
31. Colts- Tyson Alualu, DT, California- Colts will look to become deeper with this pick, and most likely take the best player available. Alualu is a solid, High-motor prospect. 
32. Saints- Maurkice Pouncey, G/C, Florida - Pouncey is a leader, and can play multiple positions. Will be a great addition for the Saints, and steal if he falls to here.