Sports

2010 San Francisco 49ers Preview

Last year in these hallowed digital pages I expressed some skepticism over the direction of the Mike Singletary 49ers. It was (is?) a little disconcerting to me that the NFL is obviously a passing league, most of the elite teams are elite b/c they have a great passing game, and Singletary seemed intent on building a smashmouth running team that would try and win games 16-13. I said they’d go 7-9 and they went 8-8. You can’t win them all, but you can win one for every one you lose apparently.

The 9ers did some good things in the offseason: they attempted to improve the weaker points of the team, they kept the offensive coordinator for the 1st time in 6 years and they stayed in the NFC West.

If you are going to run the football you need to have a good offensive line. Last year the 9ers’ offensive line was…not good. They led the NFL in runs for 0 or 1 yards, although that might have had a little to do with the Reverend Glen Coffee doing his best Derek Loville impersonation. Really, though, the fact that Frank Gore got 1100+ yards and averaged 4.9 yards/carry with the group they had last year is pretty remarkable. So what did they do? They became only the 2nd team in the last 15 years to use 2 1st round picks on offensive linemen. Mike Iuputi should be a plus starter from day one and Anthony Davis will be up and down but should at least be an improvement over the execrable Adam Snyder.

Another problem area was the return game. They might as well have accepted every kick at the 20 without a return attempt for all the explosiveness they had with it, and Arnaz Battle, the main punt returner, averaged 2.9 yards per punt return, which seems incredible considering he is 6’0” tall and so if he caught every punt and just fell forward down on his face he would have averaged 2 yards a return. Former Ohio State Buckeye great Theodore Ginn Jr. was brought in to take kickoffs back past the 20 and rookie Kyle Williams was brought in to get more than 3 yards on punt returns.

The passing game should be improved this year as well, with the same coordinator and system returning finally, a hopefully improved Alex Smith, a full season of Michael “Practice? We talkin’ about practice?“ Crabtree and some speed on the outside in Ginn.

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, the 9ers are still in the NFC West. It is very hard to see the Rams, Seahawks or Cardinals winning more than 8 games so you would think if the 9ers could just improve by 1 game they would win the West. And with the improvements on offense and special teams, a very good defense returning basically to a man and a relatively weak schedule I see no reason why they can’t go 9-7 and make the playoffs for the 1st time since 2002. And once you get to the playoffs anything can happen. Maybe I like this kind of party after all.

Win A Custom Pinata In The Super Hella Awesome Fantasy Football League!

It's almost that wonderful time of year where Sundays are justifiably spent in a druken stupor if only to calm the nerves from overextending yourself with various offshore gambling accounts, or as others like to call it football season. This year we have a very special treat for the Super Hella Awesome Fantasy Football League thanks to our good friends over at Hit A Celebrity. Winning the league will not only boost your confidence and earn you hella awesome cred, but it will also land your very own custom pinata. You heard that right, a custom pinata. Anything you want whether it be David Caruso donning some shades, Brendan Fraser circa Encino Man or Sarah Palin just being her standard horrific self, the world is your oyster. If you win that is.

There's no cost to play, and there will be lots of other goodies such as SHA shirts, SHA golfballs, and possibly my framed Neil Patrick Harris headshot if I can bear to part with it. We'll keep the details and all that stuff on the league page but for anyone that wants in just send an email to the Asstrich and we'll send you an official invite through ESPN. The league will be an online auction, which is the fun way to do it if you've been wasting your time with drafts so if you're feeling brave, just want to play some fantasy, or feel like trying out an auction let us know. Just promise you won't take it personally when someone calls you a donkey f*cker after rejecting a trade. You can view the league homepage over at ESPN.

Gary Busey Is Norman Tugwell, Fantasy Football Lawyer

Holy awesomeness Batman. Here's the legendary Gary Busey in a set of Vitaminwater ads based around fantasy football co-starring Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. The destined to go viral ads see the ridiculously unpredictable actor play Norman Tugwater: Fantasy Football Lawyer and act pretty much exactly like you want Gary Busey to act. Clearly his greatness rubbed off on AP as he holds his own with his workhorse growl and basically for not crying in fear while Busey was on the loose. Move that man up your draft boards.  [via filmdrunk]

Super Hella Awesome's Thoughts On Mebron

Phletch didn't really want to talk about the whole MeBron debacle but I convinced him he was being a baby and since he hates Dirty Dancing he relented to putting baby in the corner this time. So, you hear about the MeBron James kid? He's heading down to Miami, and what better way to give our thoughts than through bullets, like he left in the hearts of the entire state of Ohio.

A Tribute To Marco Scutaro That Would Make Phil Collins Proud

Red Sox fans be crazy I tell you. Crazy enough to make a tribute song for shortstop Marco Scutaro based on the Phil Collins pop gem "Sussudio". That's really all there is to the story, hard for me to really add anything. As a personal aside I guess I could tell you about the one time Phil Collins and I were having tea together in the park but my editors have been telling me that I talk about myself too much so no dice. As for the video it's amazing although it looks like someone got a bit too excited about the glowing edges filter.

Also I should pass along this very important message from the video's creator: "Big Thanks to Mike Testa for making me sound good."   Yeah, thanks Mike.  [via the sporting blog]

The Cleveland Indians Announcer Is Sick All Over, Off His Meds

Last week the Cleveland Indians blew a game against the Toronto Blue Jays after having a ninth inning lead. Their tv announcer Bruce Drennan didn't exactly take the loss very well. Luckily he decided to share his thoughts in the post game show and boy are they special. He's like the real life Harry Doyle, and it's still the Indians. Love it love it love it.   [via with leather]

Is Will Ferrell Secretly A Venezuelan Reptile Smuggling Minor League Pitcher?

It's no secret that Will Ferrell can be the funniest man on the planet in the right situation. Regardless of what these horrible announcers that can't sell a joke tell you, the man in the video below is not the former Saturday Night Live comedian but is instead a Venezeulan ex-con that goes by the name Rojo Johnson who is making his minor league debut as a member of the Round Rock Express, the Houston Astros' minor league affiliate.

Johnson has a checkered past to say the least as he recently was released from prison after a reptile smuggling incident. You know how they love their reptiles in Venezuela.

Also you know it's not Will Ferrell because he doesn't have a mustache.  [via the sporting blog]

 

Add Ridiculously Terrible Theme Song To Reasons You Hate Notre Dame

When Jimmy Clausen fell out of the first round in this year's NFL Draft, most people celebrated the fact that the collar popping douche nozzle was getting ignored, granted Mel Kiper almost had a heart attack that he wasn't taken in the early first. This isn't just because it was Jimmy Clausen, it was Jimmy Clausen from Notre Dame. Everyone loves to hate Notre Dame, they are the USC of colleges that aren't in California. If you have ever wondered why that is your questions are about to be answered.

What we have here is a video for some of Notre Dame spirit song, sort of like how Dancing Queen is for trannies. There is a lot of backstory over here but it was all so painfully boring that none of it was even worth posting. It involves Freakbass, I did learn that.   [via the sporting blog]

Scientific Study Shows Hockey Players Throw Worse Than A Girl

Hockey is for hosers so it should came as no surprise that Dany Heatley of the San Jose Sharks didn't throw a perfect strike when throwing out the first pitch at a recent San Francisco Giants game. What was a bit surprising was how he was paired with a teenage girl that would simultaneously throw her own pitch.  Even moreso when the teenage youngster casually threw a perfect strike while Heatley went into some dramatic spastic pitching motion only to throw the ball a solid ten feet in the air.

Oh you silly little hockey players with your sticks and skates and pucks.  Real men play with balls according to my priest. That's what she said.   [via the sporting blog]

Randy Moller Is The King Of Pop Culture Goal Calls

I know I have posted one of the glorious collections of Florida Panthers' play by play announcer and pop culture afficionado Randy Moller before, but for some reason I am unable to find a link to the article right now so you're just going to have to trust me. I bring up that painfully boring backstory mainly because I just spent actual time looking for it and also because the fourth edition is now up on the internet and is just as glorious as ever.

You want a Broken Arrow reference?  How about Pants On The Ground?  Maybe you liked The Hangover, or even the new Old Spice commercials?  How about some old school Ice Cube? You know the man really means business when he breaks out the Harrison Ford from Extraordinary Measures, I bet that was a really important goal. 

I guess the moral of the story is that if you are a pop culture reference you can bet your sweet ass Randy Moller will force you into an awkward goal call, and it will ooze awesome.   [via sporting news]

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