Television

Ron Swanson Country Singer, Dragon Safety Wanter

The great Nick Offerman and his almost equally awesome wife Megan Mullally have released what may be the most important music video of the year. You probably don't believe me or at least assume a great bit of hyperbole but that's before you realize it's called "Wings Of A Dragon" and answers two of the most important questions mankind has long needed answered: What happens when a paleontologist loves a creationist and how did Noah fit two dragons on his boat?

Don't forget to bow down to your good Lord Offerman at the 3:34 mark.

David Hasselhoff Does Porn For Sons Of Anarchy

In news that undoubtedly will set your heart a flutter, the one and only David Hasselhoff has signed on to join the boys of SAMCRO on the upcoming fourth season of FX's fantastic Sons Of Anarchy. In a role that sounds even better than last season's cleaner, played by Stephen King, the Hoff will fufill his life long destiny of joining the porn industry. Clearly the cheeseburger afficianado negotiated some anatomy descriptors in to his contract.

The former America's Got Talent judge will play Dondo, a well-endowed former porn star who is now making major coin by producing sleazy girl-on-girl adult films. Turns out Dondo was given a major career boost by Luanne (Dendrie Taylor) and gets involved in a little dirty work in her memory.

Sadly I've never met an adult film producer, but I can't imagine any of them fill the stereotype I envision any better than the Hoff. But wait, it gets better, sort of. Per showrunner/potty mouth extraordinaire Kurt Sutter comes the following mind-blower:

here's the best part... hoff and tom arnold in the same scene. say it ain't so, joe. say it ain't so...  

Oh how I love thee Mr. Sutter. Season 4 of the third best show on television (1 - South Park, 2- Breaking Bad) starts some time this September.  [via tvguide]

Brian Wilson Is Feeling Pretty Delicious, Explains "Got Heeeem"

It should be noted that a Willie McCovey bobblehead is staring at me from my desk, so in no ways can I pretend to be impartial in regards to Showtime's upcoming series The Franchise: A Season With The San Francisco Giants. The good thing is I don't need to pretend when there are amazing clips like this one of Brian Wilson explaining his new battle cry "Got Heeeem". If it wasn't for my love of all thing Beach Boys, I'd want Wilson to legally change his name to "Papa's Feeling Pretty Delicious". Wait, maybe I should do that. Is that copyright infringement? Any lawyers out there feel free to chime in. The Showtime series premieres Wednesday, July 13th at 10PM.

Boardwalk Empire's Season Two Teaser Will Ruin All Of You

Welcome back Nucky! HBO has just released a teaser for season two of Boardwalk Empire and spoiler alert, it looks fantastic. Expanding business, Chalky White wanting revenge, Nucky Thompson vowing to ruin all of you, and of course the KKK, because nothing says Atlantic City like a pointy white hat. Must not have been labor day yet.

While there's no official season premiere date set, the show will return this fall, presumably to the Sunday night sweet spot, and hopefully teamed up with the upcoming David Milch written, Michael Mann directed Luck, starring Dustin Hoffman and Nick Nolte. Drinking and gambling have always been a natural, if not bankrupting, pair.

The Season 4 Trailer Suggests Breaking Bad Will Still Be Really Good

As of this writing it is officially fourty seven days until the return of what is unquestionably one of the best shows on television, Breaking Bad. Naturally it's creeping in to heavy promo time which leads us to the official trailer for the fourth season of the AMC drama. From the looks of it Heisenberg still has great taste in hats, Jesse is ready to get serious and lots of people are going to walk around with a gun drawn. Sign me up.

The Vince Gilligan run show returns Sunday July 17th so it won't be too long before we can all finally find out whether Gale was actually shot or Jesse just has really bad aim.

South Park Announces The HumancentiPad For Season 15 Premiere

The wonderful world of South Park returns this Wednesday for the fifteenth season premiere with the incredibly awesome sounding "HUMANCENTiPAD". The official description sounds just as awesome as you'd expect.
Kyle is intimately involved in the development of a revolutionary new product that is about to be launched by Apple. Meanwhile, Cartman doesn't even have a regular iPad yet. He blames his mother.
Bitter Cartman, making fun of Apple and Human Centipede references. Oh how I love you time of year when South Park episodes are on. Unfortunately this week also marks the countdown of only seven weeks of new South Park joy until the long wait til the fall. Oh how I hate you time of year when South Park episodes aren't on.
Here's a nice little preview clip of Steve Jobs announcing his latest wonder toy. I'm waiting for V2 so they can work the kinks out.   [via south park studios]

Brian Wilson Double Parked His Schooner For George Lopez

This video is from last week but damn if it doesn't overflow with awesome, hence the delayed posting. The awesomely named and completely insane, in the best way possible, World Series champion Brian Wilson appeared on The George Lopez Show dressed as a boat captain. The whole thing comes off a bit more like one of Will Ferrell's amazing visits to Conan except for the fact that the person playing Conan is incredibly uncomfortable and has at the very least an army of militant frogs in his throat. That being said Wilson plays the part beautifully and frankly fills the bit with so many zingers that there's not even one that stands out I can reference here.

As a warning there is some Guy Fieri at the end as Lopez and Wilson do a Minute To Win It bit where they swing bananas between their legs. Yes it is as lame as it sounds.

Also how many guests does George Lopez have a night? 13?

Awesome Graph: Dexter's Victims

This infographic documenting the kills of Dexter on the hit Showtime series is informative, pretty, and a tad bit overwhelming, much like Sally Craven back in junior high. I'll never forget that time she learned shorthand to give me better notes when I had the flu, last time I ever saw her. There's a very good chance Dexter got to her after that because I'm pretty sure "Super notes" are a clear violation of the code.

Follow this link for a version that should require less squinting. [via unnreality]

Check Out Some Of The Visual Effects From Boardwalk Empire

Hopefully you've all had the chance to check out HBO's awesome Boardwalk Empire, but even if that's yet to tickle your fancy there is still some awesome behind the scenes stuff in this video. Basically it's just a clip of some of the work done by Brainstorm Digital for the show's first season featuring before and after shots that are kind of mind blowing when you think about it. And all this time I thought there was a cool enough boardwalk they cleaned up, silly me.  The good thing is I'm now convinced more than ever I can film that intergalactic epic I've been working on entirely in my bedroom, except for the sex scenes of course. Mom doesn't allow that.  [via vulture]

Watch The First Twenty Minutes Of Showtime's Shameless

After last night's awesome season finale of Dexter, Showtime aired the first twenty minutes of Shameless. As you may recall the new show is based on a British series of the same name and stars William H. Macy as an alcoholic father of an eclectic group of kids. If you're not sold by the time Macy's character explains what his family knows best near the three minute mark then you should probably rewind and watch it again. Shameless premieres January 9th at 10pm.

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