Guns N Fucking Roses: Chinese Democracy

I am uniquely qualified to review Chinese Democracy. My knowledge of and appreciation for Guns N Roses goes back super hella far. I won my audio cassette of Appetite for Destruction playing 21 against a girl who lived down the street from me on South Ave in Alamo (arguably the most productive street in Contra Costa County in terms of producing athletes in the 80’s. I’m sure you remember names like Malone, Gianinni, Luengo and Schmidt. Everyone does. They’re all legends. It’s not normal for one street to produce 4 SRV all-stars.) And let me put you heathens on the Catholicism tip: when Catholics turn 13 they go through a little process called Confirmation where you become an adult in your faith and in your life. It’s sortof like a Bar Mitzvah except everyone there isn’t really annoying. Anywho, during this process you take the name of a saint as your confirmation name. It’s intended to symbolize what you respect and admire and how you want to model your adult life. I looked over the list of saints and one name stood out like someone on the Warriors playing defense: Saint Axl. Excuse you? So my confirmation name became Axl. True story. The point is, my resume to review this album speak for itself.
And so does this album.

First of all, this is a motherfucking album. It’s supposed to be consumed as a whole. The songs are long, they change tempos and ideas constantly and they’re meant to compliment each other. You’re not supposed to listen to one song and then IM one of your moron friends and then go watch The Hills. It takes some effort to appreciate, but that’s because it has depth. Axl Rose could take 2 Zoloft, eat a turkey club and then write the entire Strokes catalog in 37 minutes if he wanted to. But he doesn’t. He wants to make something great. He wants to make something different. He has capital A ambition, which is something entirely lacking in today’s pop music. And before you mention Radiohead, please listen to all the Warp Records music they rehashed before making their “electronic breakthrough.”

2nd of all, Axl’s voice is still nothing to fuck with. It’s as much an instrument as any other on the album. It’s one of the great voices in rock history, and it’s in fine form here, and the fact that Rolling Stone just named it 63rd on the list of the greatest rock voices of all time is as embarrassing to them as the fact that I still occasionally read Rolling Stone is to me.

Lyrically, all the usual Axl themes are represented: paranoia, loneliness, defiance, self-identification with famous martyrs, random political statements, simple and affecting lovelines.

I refuse to comment on any guitar played on the album.

In the end, there was no way Axl could have made an album that withstood the expectations his fans have had for all this tttttiiiiimmmmmeeeee, but he made a good, original, ambitious rock and roll album, which is something that hasn’t been done for about 17 years.