I'm not a scientist, and believe me this would all be a lot easier if I were just a thawed out caveman, but again, that is not a crutch I can rely on. Instead I'm simply a guy that has watched one (thousand) too many movies and killed one (million) too many brain cells. But this is America last I checked, and as far as I can tell the Roman Empire will crumble soon enough so I am here to layeth some trutheth downeth Gwyneth style.*
The current strife in the NFL's ongoing labor dispute seemed eerily familiar, so much so that I had to drunk dial YouTube a few times last night to make sure it was cool if I came over. Spoiler alert it was, and I did, and in my visit I found exactly what I was looking for. Now before I give away the goods like Suri Cruise to Jaden Smith in ten years, I should set the table. The breakdown is simple, or at least the simplified version I am presenting is, and believe it or not somewhat justified on both sides. Owners want to get richer as rich people tend to do and a good way to help that is to stop paying rookies a million dollars for every bench press they do at the combine. Players on the other hand want to have some security since they are putting their well being at risk and all, so guaranteed contracts would be a pretty nice change. But keep in mind the players would be playing right now, they aren't responsible for the lockout anymore than I was responsible for Target being closed when I showed up there Easter morning with a zombie like craving for Little Caesar's. Damn you diminutive Caesar and rising from the dead Jesus!
Anyhow this is actually a lot more complicated than my simplified look, but it gets you a good idea that there legitimately are valid reasons for both sides to stand pat. This is what happens in negotiations. Then court got involved. The players union decertified so individuals could sue on the grounds that they were being refused the opportunity to work, or something along those lines, again no frozen caveman lawyer here. That's why you see the lawsuit using the big names like Brady, Manning and Danza. Fast forward to yesterday when Judge Nelson ruled for the players lifting the lockout, which was met with an immediate appeal by the owners. Nothing major here really right? Just more court rulings in store, apparently the judicial system was partly designed for dealing with American sports. Then commissioner Roger Goodell put on his best David Stern impression and posted this nauseating op-ed piece for the Wall Street Journal. Seriously, how does Tiger's marketing team have so many clients?
The absolute best part of the douchenozzling is claiming that the collective bargaining agreement somehow paved the way for the NFL.com website? Yeah, and it made it possible for chickens to lay eggs and cows to be milked, let alone Who's The Boss to flourish on Hulu. What an amazing collective bargaining agreement that is! Worst of all he makes the "problems" seem awesome. So owners are going to be responsible for the benefits they supply their teams in an open market? Have fun trying to cheap your way through that guys. Essentially he makes it seem like the NFL is going to turn in to a place where owners like Mark Cuban would absolutely flourish. Oh don't worry about that sound you heard, that was just every football fan in the world praying to make that happen. Also if you don't think fans would get as much enjoyment out of a "signing day" as they do out of the NFL Draft I would like to buy some of your grass, it must be good. Just don't make Signing Day a Thursday night please, that would suck.
Dear commish, it's sickening to think that people will try and talk their way out of a corner just to bargain and use fans love of the game as the talking point. If you really give two Danzas about the league your argument wouldn't be so one-sided. And if everything is so great with the current system Commisczar then why does it need to be changed? Let's just keep it the way it is. I know the players would do that, they already said they would. Go try and talk smart somewhere else, we like football, not Mozart. [Ed. note: I also like Mozart]
For the sake of this not seeming like a simple bitter rant, and to address my initial inspirado and visit to YouTube, I present the most realistic movie parallel I can think of to the current NFL labor situation: The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training. Since I'm no sadist I will give you all a moment to bask in your glorious Breaking Training memories. (*cue minimum five minute break*)
Ok, we're back. I'm going to have to say the whole situation is best depicted in the Bears vs Toros game that takes place at the Astrodome. The terd that tells the umps to stop the game is clearly Goodell. Not only does he justify the stoppage by nonsense, saying it took longer than expected, but he also hands a win to the Toro's for no reason, much like the commish has taken the Owner's side in the negotiations. Tanner staying on the field and running around avoiding authority is represented by the decertified union and connected lawsuit. The random Astros player that sparks Mike Leak to start the "Let Them Play" chant is obviously Judge Nelson. Everyone that joins in on the chant inside of the Astrodome play the part of every living person that doesn't own a football team. Now we just need someone awesome, preferably Tony Danza or the President, to play the role of the scoreboard that declares "Play Ball". For those wondering Engelberg has the uncredited role of Offensive Lineman.
* - I have no idea what Gwyneth style is but I'm assuming writing this as pompous as possible should work